


Old Habits

by scifi



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Break Up, M/M, Post-Break Up, i just wanna hug them both, past relationship, this is kinda sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-01
Updated: 2018-03-01
Packaged: 2019-03-25 15:00:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,482
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13837212
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scifi/pseuds/scifi
Summary: dan and phil have broken up but old habits die hard





	Old Habits

**Author's Note:**

> so i have had writers block for the last couple of weeks but suddenly got compelled to write a fic based on the prompt "i kissed you goodbye by accident - old habits die hard okay?!?!" i saw on a tumblr prompt list! this is kinda sad and i feel like this fic was just a way to channel my current emotions so yeahhh enjoy (i apologise if any of you hate me bc of this)

Waking up alone had been the hardest. Dan mourned for the mornings he had woken up, arms wrapped around a solid warm body he had been madly in love with. He missed listening to his lover's heartbeat as rain fell from the heavens outside. He missed feeling safe when nightmares latched onto him, waking up to protective hands smoothing his curls, telling him it was just a dream.

He missed Phil.

Phil hadn't vanished from his life. No, he was ever present; a constant reminder of where they went wrong except he now slept at the other end of their apartment instead of in his arms.

It had all been Dan's fault. He couldn't even remember why he decided to end it. Not that it mattered much anymore, all the damage had already been done.

He never got much sleep; he felt exposed in his massive bed in an equally as massive room. It had felt cosy, almost intimate - in a monochromatic way - when he had shared the room with Phil. It had been their first proper bedroom together and their last due to Dan's destruction.

Sleep wasn't something he got anymore because his mind was much too alive with incipit thoughts; imagining a future where he hadn't fucked it all up, where the right side of the bed wasn't unused. He couldn't sleep without his demons crawling back to the surface, scratching at his wounds until he was tattered; his mind alive with all the possibilities that he had crushed with one simple sentence.

He missed the familiarity of waking up in Phil's arms, to feel them tighten around his waist and pull him in for a kiss, morning breath be damned. He missed the colour of Phil's eyes as the weak morning sun filtered through their windows. His eyes in the morning were always a pale grey like an autumn fog but now they were like a mid-winter sea storm.

They still had their familiarities; old habits die hard after all. They still waited to have breakfast together, curled up on the couch with anime on the telly. What was different was that their knees no longer touched, Dan's head no longer could rest on Phil's shoulder; they sat on other ends of the lounge these days. Not that Dan minded, it was better than having no Phil at all but he knew their time was limited. Phil still lingered because they had no choice. In a matter of weeks, they would explore the world together, force themselves to mend all their broken pieces for a few months as they met those who adored them. Behind closed doors their façade may crumple, the space between them would grow larger and it was inevitable; one day Phil would leave him and it's what Dan deserved. It's what Phil deserved too after the way Dan had let it fall apart.

The night it happened had been like any other night. It had been one of those evenings you would forget within days, it wouldn't even leave an impression on your week. The night had been too painfully mundane for such an important life event to happen, but life was twisted like that. Their dinner had been average, just take away from Wagamama and a glass of chardonnay. Their evening had been average, Phil tucked up on the sofa, scrolling through Twitter while Dan was scouring Netflix for a new show to watch together. Even the sex had been average, something that had become all too common. It hadn't always been so mundane, their lives together, it used to be vibrant, fulfilling everything they needed but now it was just shades of beige.

It was when they were splayed out on the bed, Dan's head resting on Phil's chest, fingers tracing patterns in the smattering of chest hair, that everything had changed. Something had been off between them and all it took was for Dan to listen to his partner's heartbeat to know that something had been off for a long time.

Dan could never take back what he said that night. He could never rewind and kiss Phil instead of destroying their world they had built together for over eight years. He could never fix the destruction he had caused but in a way, it was necessary. They couldn't have gone on the way they were, drifting apart with only a joint career and social media tethering them together. He just never meant for the words to hurt the way they did.

"I think we should just be friends."

One simple sentence had cut deep, uprooting something they worked so hard to hold onto, but it was for the best; their roots had long ago rotted until nothing but their exterior remained.

Three months later it still stung. Every morning waking up alone stung. Going to bed alone every night hurt like a bitch and for a while, Dan thought he had lost Phil for good. He thought he lost Phil the moment he had pulled Dan up for one final kiss, their lips lingering until Dan could taste salt from the tears that had fallen from Phil's eyes. Dan had cried too, clinging onto Phil until the sun had risen hours later, afraid of what the new day would bring. Afraid to lose something they had already lost long ago.

He had almost lost Phil. Sometimes he thinks that he's lost Phil for good but then Dan pulls himself out of bed and allows them to fall into a daily routine. Dan allows himself to fall into the habits they still keep; the habits that will remain until long after their paths become separate.

This morning, in particular, had started with demons all around him, yelling at him, reminding Dan that he fucked up the one good thing to ever happen. He had woken up vulnerable so when he saw Phil's stormy eyes meet his in the kitchen, Dan couldn't help but feel relief at the habits they still clung onto.

"Sleep well?" Phil asked over his mug of coffee. He hated small talk. They had spent too long together to need it but every morning Phil asked the exact same question and every morning Dan responded the same.

"Yeah great, yourself?"

This was a new habit forged in the wake of their ending. No longer could Dan wake Phil up with soft kisses and whispered affection. No. He had to make do with small talk that neither cared for but Dan still cherished it. He cherished their mornings because he knew they were limited. They may still be friends, but exes don't spend the rest of their lives together and they would be no exception.

Phil took a sip of his coffee and shrugged, "Same as always."

Dan's lips quirked into a frown momentarily. When they fell apart Phil had retreated into his AmazingPhil set but that hadn't lasted long. It had been too small, too staged, too much of a reminder of what had led them together in the first place. He had opted for their couch instead. It hadn't been too kind on his long limbs but watching the sunrise had made up for a sore neck each night.

Dan poured himself a cup of tea before settling beside him at the breakfast bar. Phil wasn't eating cereal today, instead opting for buttered crumpets. Dan tried not to let the break in familiarity get to him, but he could feel something sting deep down. It was just breakfast, but a bowl of cereal and an episode of anime had always been their thing and Phil was breaking tradition.

They sat in silence, sipping on their beverages and Dan let his mind wander. His mind wandered too much these days. He could still remember the last time he had been laying on top of the breakfast bar that they sat at. He still remembered the feeling of Phil in and around him. He could never forget such perfect sensations, but they were the past; an era they could never return too. Dan shuddered, he needed to start a conversation to stop his demons pulling him too far under.

"What are your plans for today?"

Dan used to know every detail about Phil's daily life but now it was something he had to obtain through mundane domestic questions.

"Have to finish editing and then have lunch with Martyn and Corn," Phil pushed his glasses higher on his bridge. The action caused Dan's heart to flutter. He always loved Phil in glasses and even after all they had been through, seeing him with bed hair and black-rimmed glasses still stirred buried emotions within him.

"We only just saw them," Dan said. They had only been to Cornelia's belated birthday a few days ago and although Phil had a healthy relationship with his brother, it felt so quick between catch ups.

"We did but I just wanted to catch up alone," Phil delivered the words in a hush mummer as if saying it too loud would break Dan like a porcelain doll.

He'd have to get used to doing thing separately just like he had to get used to waking up alone. He'd have to get used to a separate forever with Phil still in the picture but no longer by his side.  

"Tell Corn I say hi," he would add in a hello for Martyn, but they hadn't been on the best of terms since Phil told him about the breakup. Dan could still remember how venomous his words had sounded when he told Dan that he’d had been a waste of eight years of his brother’s life. He still remembered how rigidly Phil had hugged him afterwards, still unsure if the simple act of hugging was too intimate or not. He still remembered Phil apologising even though he had nothing to apologise for. Not everyone worked out. It just took eight years and all the love in his heart for Dan to work out they were pages from different books.

Phil nodded, his lips quirking up slightly. He didn't smile much anymore, at least not out of the public eye. His gorgeous face no longer lit up with the smile that used to make Dan's heart flutter and his eyes were no longer were framed by crinkles from laughing too much. Dan couldn't even remember the last time he had heard Phil laugh. Maybe at the party but even then it sounded forced. It sounded forced because it had been, just like the hand that remained on the small of Dan's back throughout the night. It was easier to pretend until after the tour was all over. It was easier to lie to the people who knew about their relationship because explaining the end of ‘true love' wasn't an easy task. It was easier to pretend to be perfectly in love when they were everything but.

"I should get going," Phil looked at his phone to check the time, his words trailing off as he read a notification, "this video isn't going to edit itself."

As Phil went to get up, swigging the last of his coffee, Dan did something he was no longer allowed to do but he craved habitual actions. He craved everything they used to have and what they still held onto because it was all that he knew. It was all Dan had known for almost a decade and Dan's stubborn mind clung to the routine.

He leant over before Phil was out of reach and planted his lips of Phil's for a chaste kiss goodbye. Before he could pull away and attempt to form an excuse, Phil kissed back short and sweet. The kiss screamed with familiarity; it reminded him of the years they spent together, of all the mornings they had spent in each other's company. The kiss reminded Dan of why there used to be something between them; they fit perfectly together like soulmates, but they weren't soulmates because soulmates don't lose their other half.

Months ago, that kiss would have lingered, and lips would have travelled along Phil's jaw and down his neck as Dan's hands slipped under the waistband of his pants but that was the past. They were in the present and Dan pulled back, his chestnut eyes blown wide with confusion. He was scared. The kiss was too familiar; the morning habit he had craved ever since he had turned their world upside down.

Dan couldn't speak, even if he wanted to word refused to come out; everything he wanted to say got caught in his throat.

"See you later Dan," Phil looked back at him, his eyes wild as he tried to regain composure. The kiss came out of nowhere for both of them and neither knew how to deal with the consequences.

"I didn't mean to," Dan blurted out, hands covering his mouth as the shock of it all dawned on him.

"It's not as if we've never kissed before," Phil replied with a light chuckle, but the delivery was as icy as the snow falling outside.

Silence fell between them as neither moved; Phil was frozen half off his seat unsure of if he should go or stay.

"I still love you," Dan whispered through his hands, barely audible.

Phil found it in him to get up off his seat then, "Too late for that now Dan, I'll talk to you later, yeah?"

Before Dan could muster a response or reign in his babbling mouth, Phil left the kitchen and Dan knew he couldn't be followed. No conversation could mend the broken bridges between them. Instead, he sat at the breakfast bar, hands covering his mouth as tears threatened to blur his vision.

It was a mistake. Kissing Phil out of habit and him kissing back was a mistake. Confessing empty vows of love was a mistake. Breaking up with Phil had been a mistake. They could never have worked things out between them and they still had their forever, together, as friends, but Dan was destructive, he couldn't allow himself forever because he didn't deserve it. He didn't deserve Phil Lester. A few months ago, he would have had Phil by his side, telling him he was so worthy of love and happiness. Maybe tonight he would have Phil again, sitting across the table, listening to his thoughts but it wasn't the same. He had lost Phil for good and all Dan could do was sit at the breakfast bar and let himself cry.

Kissing Phil goodbye had been an accident, falling in love had also been an accident but letting Phil go hadn't been accidental. He had done it with a purpose and now Dan was reaping the consequences. Waking up alone may have been the hard but learning to un-love his other half was by far the hardest thing Dan has ever done.


End file.
